Well, we all know a few. They hafta drive a Lexis, get their nails done weekly and think shopping at Neiman Markup is a contact sport. They got 10 year old crap in their closet with the price tags still on. Jericho has run with a few in his time but Joe don't have much use fer 'em...
Now, back in the day, the maintenance money went fer boob jobs, fancy lingerie, filet mignon and martinis at pricey watering holes...You know, stuff that Joe could get into...
But now, it is pretty much money wasted. Expensive presents fer whiny grand kids, god-damn vet and grooming bills fer mutts and week-ends in New Orleans with the girls.
But here is the worst...Rusty just came home from the dentist and said she needed a new bridge...$11,000!!!!
Fer 11 grand, Joe could buy a FREAKIN' REAL bridge---or at least a brand new Yamaha 115 or a pretty fair Harley. Hell, fer 11 Gs, Joe could get two of them little Chinaman cars that are so popular these days.
Joe suggested just chewing on the other side but that didn't set too well.
A new FREAKIN' bridge...Where's the fun in that...If you are gonna piss away hard earned chedder, you should get a chuckle or two...
And, it ain't like it mattered that much...the teeth were way in the back and you couldn't even see the gap unless she was smiling...And it ain't like there has been a shitload a french kissing goin' on in the past decade or so...
And Jericho is such a pussy...He didn't even FREAKIN' CONSIDER putting a pillow over her face or the "two go out, one comes back" boating option...He just doled out the benajmins.
Freakin' dentist is probably laughing his ass off while he and his hygienist huff the nitrous oxide and dry hump in the little closet where they keep the X-ray machine...
Not to put too fine a point on this, but Joe could actually live on the little tid-bits that Jericho could ooch outa Uncle Sugar- medicare, social security and...well, Jericho is a poster child fer Agent Orange. I Bet he could get $1500 a month outa the freakin' VA if he would just listen to old Joe...
Any way, Jericho has a few acres on a mudhole that practically dries up every other year. It has a real yuppie name but Joe likes to call it "Lake Be Gone" in honor of his life long appreciation of "Prairie Home Companion". All Joe needs is a camper with an air conditioner...Hell, he don't even need a crapper. That is what God made straw pine and palmetto groves fer...
Bath??? well, there is always enuff water in Lake Be Gone fer a good scrub. Just throw a stick in fer Gator Bait ta fetch first in case there be snakes and such in there.
Here is the point of all a this...Old women are a pain in the ass! They need stupid stuff like nice houses and cars and money in the bank. And health and medical care. Joe would be happy fritterin' away the rest of his days croppy fishing with Gator Bait from the old john boat.
Women...useless...at Joe's age, they are just like a chain saw...They are so infrequently necessary that a short term rental is the best buy...Hell, there is a Sammy's not 10 miles from Lake Be Gone...Them country girl morning strippers dig old Joe...
If the world ran right, females would die right after their boobs start ta sag...
Well, that's it...I guess their isn't a solution to this because Rusty is always exercizing and looks like she is gonna live to be a hundred. And, she knows where all the money is...Jericho is a moron and let her take over the banking years ago...
It is sad, really...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
COUNTRY SWAPPING
Well, Old Joe just read somewheres that Singapore just swapped land with Malaysia. Now, acorst, these is two Chinamen countries in which Old Joe has no interest BUT...What a great Idee!!!
First off, I think the US of A should swap Texas fer Mexico!!! Freakin' Mes'cans could stop bitching about how we stole Texas from Santa Anna back in 1844 and it would end the immigration problem. Mes'cans would all be Texans which, as most of you know, makes them 'merican citizens. They could go on welfare straight away without havin' to risk no tribulations of swimmin' no rivers.
And Texas, er I mean "Mexico" could treat Mesc'ans er, I mean "Texans" the same way we always have since the Monroe Doctrine forced white settlers to homestead in Northern Mexico. Exploit the stew out of them, work 'em like rented mules, pay 'em diddly, talk to 'em like morons in Texas border Spanish and let 'em smoke that wacky backy and kill each other with knives...That is what Joe calls yer racial and cultural harmony.
And, frankly, Old Joe likes that Latin culture...Afternoon naps, cheap tequila, crooked cops, innefficent government...These is values I can embrace.
Next, let's get England to swap with France. This is risky. We might get sexually repressed babes with bad teeth and pointy li'l titties who don't bathe or shave their legs OR...
We might get liberated broads with huge boobs that can cook and speak French in bed and English when you are giving them orders.
Either way, they will have sexy accents and there won't be no competition from no indigenous males 'cause they would all be fags.
And, face it, the movies couldn't git no worst.
We could swap North Korea with China. That way we would have a excuse to nuke "North Korea" and wipe out the national debt.
Finally, let's swap Hawaii for Kenya and end all this crap about Ole Bammy not bein' a real 'merican. Acorst he is a real 'merican. He has a Chicago accent just like Grandma Schitte. Are you sayin' Grandma Schitte wasn't no real 'merican???
I didn't think so.
JOE SCHITTE ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY FOR EL SUPREMO FOR LIFE
Joe has reluctantly decided to git off his ass and do some public service. Not that you mullets deserve it!!!
It is time to announce that JOE is officially seeking the nomination of the JOE SCHITTE PARTY as a candidate for EL SUPREMO FOR LIFE!!!!
This is a new office created by the JOE SCHITTE PARTY on the premise that Benevolent Dictatorship is the best form of goverment...
Face it, DEMOCRACY SUCKS!!!! TOO MANY FREAKIN' MORONS...With the Joe Schitte Plan, there will be only one moron...EL SUPREMO...
Which brings up the old adage, "He may be a fool but he is our fool..." This is what Joe is talking about...I will be just like you!!!! I'll do the stuff that everybody says when they exclaim "If I were President I would..."
I have already talked about doing away with inherited wealth and just dropping most of every rich guy's estate, in hundred dollar bills, out of an airplane, at random ta keep it out of the undeserving hands of his spoiled family...
See, Joe is envious and spiteful about trust fund babies...JUST LIKE YOU...
Next, Joe would issue every Federal, State and County employee in the country a Colt Peacemaker and 6 rounds of AMMO...the survivors keep their jobs...The wounded will be put out of their misery...The bidding is open for this job...
Joe hates the government and the "special class" of government workers that the Feds have created...JUST LIKE YOU...
Next...One vote for every dollar of tax you pay AND a federal lottery where each tax dollar is a ticket...we will give 10 million people a million tax free dollars EVERY YEAR...
YOU LOVE THE IDEA AND YOU KNOW IT...It would make taxes FUN!!!
Here is Joe's campaign slogans...
Vote fer JOE...He doesn't claim to be any smarter than you...
Vote fer JOE...and everyone will git what they deserve...
Vote fer JOE...He's nearly as honest as the next guy...
Now, I have a very freakin' clever campaign strategy...I run negative ads ON MY SELF early in the campaign...this makes Joe look forthright and when the other guy says, for example...JOE IS A CONVICTED FELON...It is old news and he looks petty...cool, huh???
In that vein...JOE is, in fact a convicted felon...17 peeping tom busts in one week...what can I say...Sammy's was closed for renovations...
JOE drinks too much and has a tendency to take naps in the afternoon...Hell, Dutch Reagan did that and he was a great Prez...
JOE really doesn't give a crap about the "Little People"...Really, when ya git right down to it, who does???
JOE is lazy...well, duh...But, really, wouldn't it have been better if Bushie had spent his afternoons SCREWING OFF, like Clinton, instead of doing stupid stuff??
JOE is in it for the power, glory, money and NUBILE YOUNG INTERNS...Well, again...Duh...Any candidate that says different is FREAKIN' LYING!!!
JOE promises to lie only if it is necessary to save his ass and pledges to tell only 2 BIG LIES and 5 little lies per year...
Well, that's it fer now...JOE is putting it all out there...
JOE SCHITTE FOR EL SUPREMO FOR LIFE----2012!!!!!
AKA GRAND HIGH EXALTED MYSTIC POOBAH!!!!!
"VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN" Richard Daley (one of Joe's icons a great political leaders...)
PS...Another Plus fer JOE...He has absolutely no ambition for higher office or a second term...In fact, he has no ambition of ANY FREAKIN' KIND...He is off for a nap right now...
CLIMATE CHANGE- The Final Say by Joe Schitte the Rag Man
OK, so Old Joe has read the IPCC data and they cannot be refudiated. The earth is warming; human activity is contributing to it and it is and will cause climate change.
Joe is also familiar with the stupid political argument over same and this is my final response to all concerned:
"You morons all sound, as usual, like a bunch of fleas arguing about who owns the dog...
The real question is: Assuming that global warming and climate change were 100% due to human activity...what are you going to do about it??? Who is going to go to China and Brazil and tell them what remediation they should undertake?? If we eliminated EVERY fossil fueled car on the American highway, what would happen??
Here are the only valid inquiries (unless you just like to engage in an endless political/pseudo-intellectual circle jerk over who is the most brilliant).
1. Quantify the effect of human activity on Global Warming and Climate Change;
2. Identify, with precision, the sources;
3. Decide what remediation is practical and possible. Do it;
3. FIND AN ADAPTATION solution (because remediation alone ain't gonna slay the dragon)...
The human race has survived largely due to its ability to adapt. If we can't adapt nature to our selves, we adapt our selves to nature...
I, myself, am going to sell my house on the beach, brush up on my Spanish and move to Saltillo, Mexico...You idiots can fend for yer selves..."
Joe Schitte tells it like it is...Mebbe he doesn't want to be El Supremo for Life after all...sounds like a lot of trouble...
Friday, February 11, 2011
MURDER FOR DUMMIES- The Idiot's Guide to Homicide
MURDER FOR DUMMIES
The Idiot’s Guide
The Idiot’s Guide
To Homicide
by Jericho
© 2010 Jericho Ring, Inc.
AUTHERS' NOTE
Murder is an anthropological phenomenon that threads throughout 10,000 years of human history and experience. This is not by accident. The evolutionary imperative turned a three foot tall, apelike, bipedal disease and parasite ridden scavenging hominid living in ignorance, fear and squalor into the modern human in a twinkling of a biological eye. It depended on homicide.
Dominate males killed the offspring of their rivals. The alpha male depended upon his ability to kill and maim challengers to maintain his status. Conversely, the only way to become the alpha male and breed with the select females was to kill the old one. Infanticide has been routinely practiced by mothers to prevent in-breeding and undesirable genetic proliferation. Intra tribal disputes and inter tribal warfare kept the population to appropriate levels to avoid food shortages and starvation. A necessary result was perpetuation of the DNA of the strongest and most able.
It is often said, incorrectly, that human is the only species that systematically kills its own kind. Not so. Higher primates follow the exact same behavior described above. Pack animals such as wolves, dingoes and hyenas as well. Even the peaceful and pastoral ruminants live in a hierarchy based on physical dominance established by periodic and ritualized combat to the death. In short, the only real difference between your neighbor and your dog is that the dog won’t pee in your pool.
These practices, refined to meet modern standards, continue in human behavior to modern times. In the 20th Century, the most progressive era in human existence, where mankind progressed from the horse and buggy to the atomic submarine, there were 200,000,000 human deaths caused by the purposeful acts of other humans. The advance of Humanity, it paradoxically appears, requires homicide on a grand scale. It is nature’s way of thinning the herd.
MURDER IN MODERN AMERICAN CULTURE
As we all know, murder is the backbone of modern popular entertainment. From Joe Friday to Brenda Lee Johnson, the homicide detective, ever vigilant and untiring with the fervor and uncorrupted zeal we have come to expect in our civil servants, tracks down the perp, with only the slimmest of clues and brings him or her to justice with unflagging regularity within the 53 minutes allotted.
There has been a trend, starting in the late 60s, to romanticize the villain as well. Who among us did not recognize the undercurrent of affection between Hannibal Lector and Clarisse? Who wasn’t rooting for Thelma and Louise? Why do serial killers get fan mail and regular marriage proposals??
This trend is timeless and can be traced back to the very beginning of modern literature. Oedipus Rex was the very avatar of the would-be alpha male, required by the natural order of things to murder his father to achieve a proper destiny. In what is probably the first known soap opera, eye gouging, cliff pushing off of, and many different sword putting tos, fratricide, and hangings are the result of Cordelia refusing to show her father, King Lear, proper affection. (And this doesn’t even include the lying, deceit, fatal sibling rivalry and cross dressing that we have all come to expect in our literature.) Reality apes art. Art derives from reality. Clearly, in America
PROLOGUE
It is not the intent of this work to encourage anyone to commit murder. Rather, this is meant to be instructional, not inspirational. If you already have a predilection, you owe it to all concerned to do it right.
For these reasons, if one is predisposed to homicide, it is better for everyone for you to know that, with proper planning and preparation, the deed can be disguised as something else—natural or accidental death, or suicide, for example. A would-be murderer owes it to the cops, the district attorney, the family and even the deceased, not to mention the public at large, to take a little extra time and effort and do it correctly.
INTRODUCTION
Who has not wanted, and even plotted, to commit the perfect murder? “Not me”, you say. Well, why then did you pick up this book?
Technically, committing murder and getting away with it is easy. The statistics are on your side. Only one in eight murderers is caught and convicted. And he or she was, for the most part, incredibly unlucky, stupid or careless—usually all three. (This will be referred to herein as “The Knuckle Head Factor”.) Follow the easy steps in this manual and you will minimize The Knuckle Head Factor and thus, your risk. Notice that we did not say eliminate? Why? See “The Jesus Factor” below.
THE JESUS FACTOR
Any rabbi will tell you that “when man commits a murder, God supplies a witness”. Translation- Against all odds, Karma will get you. Unexplainably, the body will wash up on the police chief’s beach lot or get caught in his cousin’s trawler net. You will have forgotten to wipe the prints off the ejector slide spring the last time you cleaned the murder weapon. You will leave an epithelial on the inside of an improperly disposed of glove.
Taking a page from nuclear physics, we will call this “The Jesus Factor”. Murder has its own way of tripping you up. This is why you need to be EXTRA CAREFUL to follow the rules in this manual. The only known mitigant of The Jesus Factor is unfailing diligence and redundant precaution.
An aid to The Jesus Factor in is your own conscience. Just as Lady Mc Beth repeatedly washed non-existent blood from her hands, so will you feel a chronic compulsion to seek assurance that your deed has gone undetected. “The guilty flees where no man pursues.” Steel your nerves because they will betray you if you don’t. You will sleep better at night knowing that you have methodically covered your ass by following the rules set out in this book.
Which brings us to a second caveat. The most powerful force against you, unless you are a certified sociopath, is your own emotions. Fear and angst make us stupid. At the very least, guilt will haunt you and possibly cause you to make mistakes that lead to incarceration. You must be fully prepared to deal with your own feeling after the fact. After all, guilt is such a negative emotion. Meditation can be helpful.
THE MORALITY OF MURDER
One way to deal with your conscience is to convince yourself that murder isn’t actually wrong. Yes, of course, the 5th Commandment says “Thou Shalt not Kill” but that comes from the Book of Genesis which is an account of the smiting, stoning, sacrificing, putting to the sword, pillaging and massacring of entire nations of innocent people by leading biblical figures.
Our heroes and leaders throughout the ages have all been murderers— Moses, Joshua, Cleopatra, Alexander the Great, King David, Winston Churchill, Wyatt Earp—all serial killers. Periodically, you may even get pressed into service by Uncle Sam to go to some exotic land and kill the people who live there. It may not be murder but only because of a stroke of the legislative pen.
The point here is that murder is a legal concept, not a moral one. It appears to be OK and even heroic to kill because, say, Dick Chaney tells you to but not for your own private reasons. Don’t we all know some absolute asshole that needs killing? Are we are morally allowed to ignore that need? All that is required for assholes to prosper is that good people do nothing. If not you, who? If not now, when? Dostoevsky wrote a whole huge book on this subject. Hippie chicks dig it if they see you reading it at the airport.
Murder is really only a form of civil disobedience. This country was founded on it. A proper murder, properly executed, is merely an act of social cleansing. A sloppy murder, on the other hand, causes grief for everyone involved. If you are going to do it, DO IT RIGHT for the sake of the relatives. See “Short Cuts to the Perfect Murder” below.
MURDER AS A VALID SOCIAL ENGINEERING DEVICE
It may seem to be beyond the scope of this work to discuss the possibility of murder as a legitimate social engineering device. However strange it may seem now, it could be valid in the future. Society is mighty flexible with social change.
Just as an example, consider the jurisprudential history of the humble cannabis plant. At the turn of the last century, marijuana was perfectly legal in every state in the union and it grew with glorious ubiquity within sight of Capital Hill. The Southwest was filled with happy Chicanos doing the Nation’s scut work for dirt wages that no Anglo Americano or even Negro would do. At the onset of the depression, however, Congress criminalized it as part of a campaign to keep the now suddenly unwelcome Mexicans out of the country and away from American jobs.
At one point, Bobby Seal was serving LIFE IN PRISON for pot possession. In some states, pot was so demonized by government propaganda that there was a death penalty. (Who hasn’t seen and been horrified by “Reefer Madness”?)
Now, since every congressman and his kids have smoked a joint without turning into crazed maniacs, it has again been de-criminalize. The point? The possession and consumption of harmless weed has gone from legal to a capital crime and back to (nearly) legal in one lifetime at the social engineering whim of the federal and state governments.
Homicide could be subject to the same flexible metamorphosis. It is really all a matter of timing and semantics, anyway. Killing Robert E. Lee one day before Appomattox Court House would be a heroic act. One day after—murder. America dropped fire bombs on innocent civilians in Dresden and Tokyo
Back in the day before political correctness, prosecutors referred to Black on Black killing as “Misdemeanor Murder” and routinely pled them out with minimum jail time. Cops still refer to the offing of dirt bags as “public service homicide” and let the case file fall behind the radiator as soon as possible. In South American countries, the police have death squads to “disappear” the hard core punks and soon to be hard core criminals. This is so much more efficient than the American system with expensive and pointless apprehension, prosecution, incarceration and 95% recidivism. The point is, the civilized world already has a de facto movement toward the legitimization of at least some forms of murder.
We are not advocating a wholesale repeal of all laws against homicide because, of course, certain elements of society would take advantage and ruin it for the rest of us. But, with a little thought, we can refine it to an extremely useful tool to improve society.
These are just a few ideas, mind you, but what about, say, a season on known drug dealers, gang bangers and other incorrigibles? We could charge $10,000 for a license. New York gynecologists pay that much to kill a pen raised deer over a corn feeder at dude ranches in Texas
We’re thinking, perhaps, that we could charge a license fee depending on how bad the target is. Say, after one conviction, they get an orange tag in their ear; after two, yellow and three, red. The license fee could be on a sliding scale. Of course, there would have to be penalties if the gynecologist shoots an innocent citizen—say, license suspension for two year—something like that.
How about making “She pissed me off so bad that I just went fucking nuts” a valid defense? Later on, we will explore some old and now extinct excuses that could possibly be reinstated. (“The Paramour Defense”; the “Because He Was an Asshole Defense” and, of course, the time honored “He Needed Killin’ Defense still alive and well in most of the Southwest and Louisiana
And what is wrong with vigilantism? The liberals gave it a bad rap back in the 70s but look what happened—rampant violent crime. Who didn’t root for Charles Bronson in the “Death Wish” series when he transformed from CO to dedicated vigilante killer because his daughter and wife were molested in their own home by Jeff Goldblum. He becomes radicalized and, of course, we could hardly wait for him to lure out and blow away some arrogant scumbag mugger.
It seems to us that a hard and fast, across the board inflexible prohibition against homicide in light of the rampant inefficiency and unfairness of the present criminal justice system seems to be the height of hypocrisy. Just a thought.
REASONS FOR MURDER
The motives for murder are many and varied but, assuming you are a rational human being and not a psychopath, they generally fall into the following general categories.
Love
Who has not wanted to kill for love? It is, after all, an unsettling and somewhat chameleonesque emotion. It is as easily plausible to have a strong need to kill the object of desire as it is your rival or your inconvenient spouse standing in the way of true bliss. Surveys have shown that love is at least a partial motive in nearly 100 % of all homicides.
Hate
It is hard to put hate into a separate category because it is merely the yang to love’s yin.
Money
Ah, yes, the classic motive. Like love, it is also at least a partial reason for nearly every homicide.
Jealousy
Is this a truly separate category or just a sub-set of the first three? In many states, as late as the thirties, the “paramour defense” had a great deal of power in a murder trial. Men were virtually free to kill their wives and her lover if he caught them in bed together. This is still true in Texas
Power
This is best illustrated by Woman’s Liberation. For a brief period of the female empowerment movement, “Because he was an asshole” seemed to be a perfectly valid defense to spousal homicide. Reference, if you will, “The Burning Bed” staring Farah Fawcett Majors.
Revenge
We were saving the best for last. The son of a bitch that cuts down that huge oak tree that straddles your mutual property line while you are on vacation deserves to die. Nothing short of slow painful death will serve. You all know we’re right.
BASIC NO NO’S
There are six basic “Don’ts” in the crime of murder. They seem self-explanatory and extremely common sensical but the failure to follow them accounts for nearly 100 percent of all convictions.
The Cardinal Rules for Murder
1. No accomplice
2. No confidante
3. No witness
4. No forensics
5. No paper trail
6. No confession
Simple stuff, right? It is surprising how many knuckle heads, having just committed a passably clue-free murder, call their brother-in-law to ask for his pickup truck, boat, chain saw and help cutting up the body, stuffing it in a cooler and dumping it in shallow water subject to the vagaries of an unknown tide.
The knuckle head has now violated Cardinal Rules 1 through 4 with a simple phone call. And, as soon as brother-in-law, confronted by the cops with the blood stains all over his truck and red flannel shirt, rolls on the knuckle head to save his own skin, you can be sure that he will break Rule 6 as well.
PREMEDITATION OR SPONTANIOUS
Any moron can get away with spontaneously killing some random stranger but, what is the percentage in that? Let’s assume that you are not a serial killer or psycho and intend to commit a murder for one of the perfectly sane and valid reasons listed above. You will most probably have to kill someone close to you.
Say, for example, your wife, armed with photos and DVDs, is absolutely going to crucify you in the divorce settlement. Say your business partner’s key man insurance is just the ticket to bail you out of the jam you got into trading Road Runner Double Short Equity Futures with the pension fund. These are the classic motives for murder. They have stood the test of time.
You are definitely going to have to plan to obtain optimum results. The problem with premeditated murder, of course, is that if you get caught, you will get the needle or, at least, life without parole. The benefit is that if you plan properly, you are not likely to get caught. But, be mindful of “The Jesus Factor”.
Although the key to a successful murder is planning, there will be a chapter on how to avoid detection if you murder somebody in a fit of pique without proper preparation.
THE 5 P’s FOR MURDER—Proper Preparation Prevents Prison Pallor
Rule number one for planning—DON’T DO ANY RESEARCH ON THE INTERNET!!! In fact, don’t use your computer for any reason at all. It will take a forensic computer scientist exactly ONE SECOND to find your Google search for “untraceable poison”. If you delete it, delete the search history, smash the hard drive with a hammer and throw each piece into a separate vat of acid, it will take him TWO SECONDS.
And, let’s back up here for a minute. Rest assured, you are going to be the NUMBER ONE SUSPECT!! The vast majority of all homicide is committed by a close relative or friend. It is not going to take Horatio Kane or even Walker , Texas
In fact, let’s expand rule number one—Don’t reduce anything to writing or cyber space. Nothing, zip, zilch, NA freakin’ DA. Not a phone number or address, secret formula, area code or credit card receipt. NO PAPER TRAIL! And remember, there is a video camera at every street corner, stop light, ATM, convenience store, toll booth, fake teddy bear and airport restroom everywhere in the civilized world and parts of West Virginia
Also, DON’T USE A CREDIT OR DEBIT CARD. If you must buy something, use cash and buy it from a store WITHOUT VIDEO SURVEILLANCE where you have never shopped and never will again. Wear a disguise. There is more than one knuckle head on death row right now because he weighted down his wife’s body with anchors he bought from a clerk that knew him with a credit card four days before the crime.
Even cash can get you. DO NOT WITHDRAW LARGE SUMS! If you need funding, rat-hole small amounts for a while in preparation. As an aside here, it is always wise to have a few hundred bucks in a place your spouse doesn’t know about. It will give you that peace of mind that just may make the difference and you will never be without the wherewithal to purchase a lap dance.
A perfectly good murder is surprisingly affordable. And, oh, by the way, NEVER ATTEMPT TO HIRE A PROFESSIONAL!! Aside from being a clear violation of Cardinal Rules 1 through 3, it is a well known fact that ANY ASSASSIN FOR HIRE THAT YOU COULD FIND IS AN UNDER COVER COP OR WORSE, A FUMBLE FINGERED AMATEUR WANNABE.
Finally, DO NOT USE A TOLL BRIDGE OR TURN PIKE! These, as we all know, keep track of the comings and goings of everyone on Earth and will belie your alibi.
SHORT CUT TO THE PERFECT MURDER
The best way to insure that you will not get caught is to make the murder look like an accident or suicide. This has the added benefit of not causing unnecessary trouble or grief for all concerned. Remember, ACCIDENT AND SUICIDE ARE THE LAZY POLICEMAN’S FRIEND! If they can get the coroner to rule it accident or suicide, they will promptly close their file. The family will not be plagued by that interminable need for closure and prolonged public displays of grief and, not the least of it, you won’t go to prison.
You owe it to everyone involved to do them this kindness. See “The Morality of Murder” above. And society will benefit as well. There will be one less asshole to zip down the shoulder of the road and cut in at the last minute or jabber away on his Blue Tooth while you are trying to enjoy your Bloomin’ Onion. And his family and all the rest of us will be spared the burden of the blubbering TV interview we have all grown to hate.
Also quite effective is hiding the body. Although not impossible, it is extremely difficult to get a conviction without a body or at least some undisputable proof that the victim is dead. Remember, prosecutors get promoted and re-elected on conviction percentage. Most of them won’t file a case if they don’t have a slam dunk lay down. NO BODY, NO SLAM DUNK, NO CHARGES!
Also, the most clue infested object in any crime is a dead body. It can practically talk to properly trained and motivated CSI and ME.
Hiding the murder weapon is not a surefire out but it is just common sense. Every jury wants to know whose gun did the killing. And the last thing you need is for the cops to find it under a loose floorboard in your house.
Get rid of it right. If you don’t have ready access to 100 fathoms of salt water, bury it at least ten feet deep. And, again, not in your own back yard! It boggles the mind that so many knuckle heads are caught with the murder weapon in their possession 24 hours after the killing. And, it goes without saying, wipe off every print—outside, all interior parts, the clip and every cartridge. Even if you are dropping it into 100 fathoms of salt water or burying it 10 feet deep in the Gobi Desert, you should, with REDUNDANT PRECAUTION, remove all traces of your self, just in case.
MURDER WEAPONS
Proper choice of weapon is key. Here are a few suggestions.
Blades
Never use a knife, axe, machete, or any other blade. There are three reasons. First, they make an ungodly mess. All of these create copious amounts of blood which is the crime scene investigator’s most useful clue. It just gets all over everything, including you. Secondly, the crime scene photos will make the jury want to puke and, worse, send you to Old Sparky. Finally, you have about a 50/50 chance of cutting yourself in the frenzy and leaving YOUR OWN BLOOD at the crime scene and tell tale scars on your hands. Just ask OJ about this.
Blood is the most prolific source of DNA which, if found on you, can identify you as the killer by a factor of 10 gazillion to 1. Likewise, if your own blood is found at the crime scene, you will definitely have some ‘splaining to do.
The most damning clue is your fingerprints in the victim’s blood. This is also true of shoe prints, foot prints and, in one strange case, an ass print.
Also, blood spatter is a science in its own right. A competent blood spatter expert can tell from a blood drip which way the dripper was traveling and at what speed. Blood spatter will tell the entire story of how the crime went down. A putative accidental fall down the stairs can be revealed as a murder by the blood spatter patterns on the walls and ceiling. Blood is just one more variable you will have to control to make your plan work.
Guns
Guns are very convenient and ubiquitous. There are billions of untraceable guns in Texas and Oklahoma
First, it goes without saying but, be mindful of the Knuckle Head Factor—NEVER USE A GUN THAT CAN BE TRACED TO YOU. In fact, don’t even use a gun that is similar to any of the ones you own. (But, here is a little tip for the creative—Get an untraceable “throw down” that is identical to a gun owned and registered by you. Leave the weapon at the crime scene. WHEN YOUR GUN IS NOT A BALLISTICS MATCH, YOU ARE OFF THE SUSPECT LIST AND YOUR DEFENSE ATTORNEY HAS BUILT IN “REASONABLE DOUBT!!) The problem with this approach is that the cops will fake a match and you are then screwed. ALWAYS beware of the crooked cop factor!!
Second, DON’T USE AN AUTOMATIC. They spit cartridges all over the crime scene which can be traced back to the gun by unique firing pin and ejector marks. Also, the cartridge can identify the brand and even batch of ammo which can possibly be trace back to you.
The best firearms for homicide are revolvers of medium and common caliber (.38 special, say) or a double barreled shot gun—12 gauge if you can get it—with number four buck shot. These weapons will not leave any tell tale brass at the crime scene and the shotgun will not leave any pesky lands and grooves on the pellets. Also, use a soft lead bullet (as opposed to a copper jacketed one) because it will have a tendency to get all bent out of shape or shatter when it hits bone or the brick wall on the other side of the victim and be, thus untraceable. Mobsters in the old days used to cut a cross on the nose of the bullet so that it would mushroom for maximum tissue damage. A nice touch and it helps the fragmentation process. If you do this, however, be sure to dispose of the blade used for the cutting as well. Tool mark identification microscopy is as sure fire as finger prints.
If you are a fair shot, a .22 with soft lead bullets is a nifty murder weapon. Ruger makes several adequate and moderately priced .22 revolvers. They are readily available at any gun show. The .22 double tap to the medulla oblongata is endorsed by the Mob and the CIA. It is the official assassination method of Massad ayoob.
A tip here on silencers—DO NOT BUY ONE!!! If you really need one, you can make it out of PCV and common house insulation. In a pinch, a liter plastic Coke bottle works well. And don’t forget the Irish Silencer—a good old fashioned Idaho
Poison
Poison is very effective. And you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to use it. A great many untraceable poisons are readily available off the shelf. Simple anti-freeze contains polyethylene glycol and mixes quite nicely with sweet tea. Rat poison contains arsenic which is very effective and has the side benefit of being quite an unpleasant way to die if vengeance is part of your motive. Potassium cyanide can be found in various over the counter products. The Pest Control section of Lowe’s and Home Depot are a smorgasbord of potentially lethal substances. Strychnine is easier to get than a truly fat free latte.
And let’s not forget the medicine cabinet. Thanks to the Fast Drug Administration, every man, woman and child in America
Finally, perhaps the cheapest and most readily available poisons of all can be purchased from your discreet neighborhood drug dealer. In this day and age, a heroin over dose would not be suspicious—even for a highly respected church lady or priest.
It is a must that you know the medical condition of the subject. Heart trouble? Diabetes? Allergies? A couple of properly placed drops of peanut oil can turn a French fry into a lethal weapon if your victim has a convenient allergy.
PRACTICE TIP—Castor beans, which can be purchased at any gardening center, contain a nasty toxin called ricin which, when ingested causes slow, painful death by vomiting and bloody diarrhea—a perfect way to off a hated spouse or close relative. And, there is an added benefit. The ricin dissipates quickly from the blood stream and is usually not detected in a routine tox screen.
PRACTICE TIP—Oleander is a prolific and attractive hedgerow shrub that grows mainly in the South. Its flowers can be brewed into a toxic tea or just shredded in the victim’s food. They are quite beautiful, BTW, so try to admire them while picking.
A NOTE OF CAUTION. Although there are poisons and toxins that are difficult to detect, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN UNTRACEABLE POISON in this scientific age. Historically, curare was believed to be so but this is a myth. Also, unless you are pals with a crooked physician or an Amazonian shaman, it is difficult to get.
KISS
Planning Rule no. 2—KISS. Keep it simple, stupid! Theroux said, Simplify! Simplify! Simplify! Einstein said “Everything should be as simple as possible and no simpler.” William of Occam said….well, you get the picture. The less moving parts there are in your plan, the less chance there is for you to screw up.
Don’t put a bunch of curlicues and lace on your murder plot because it seems cool or necessary. Every extra implement or movement is another chance to leave clues behind. Every contact with the crime scene is one more chance to leave or take with you trace evidence. If you can shoot your victim from 1000 yards with a rifle you stole in another state 20 years ago, with a disappearing bullet, so much the better. This is the kind of simplicity we strive for.
PRACTICE TIP—Every properly prepared murderer has access to a “cold piece”. Say, one that you bought at a swap meet 30 years ago before computers and waiting periods or that old Chief’s Special that Grandpa (now deceased) brought home from the war. You can buy a moderately priced shot gun at Wal-Mart. Or an old single barrel at any pawn shop.
ALIBI
You must be perfectly clear about the concept of alibi. Here is the order of desirability:
1. Perfect Alibi
2. No Alibi
3. Imperfect Alibi
Now, here is the problem. If you are committing a murder it is not possible to have a perfect alibi. It defies the laws of physics. You simply can’t be two places at once. THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE A PERFECT ALIBI IS TO BE INNOCENT. If you attempt to create an alibi it will depend upon the wits and loyalty of your alibi witness who has now become a confidante, accomplice and witness (violations of Cardinal Rules 1,2 and 3). Once the cops find out you have lied to them about your whereabouts, and they will, you have just become the number one suspect, ahem, WITH A BULLET. Your brother-in-law has no incentive to lie convincingly under harsh interrogation. He will rat you out at the first thwack of the rubber hose. The best you can hope for is a solid NON ALIBI (asleep alone; on a long drive to the beach house; flat tire on a lonely road). Forgo as worse than wasted any effort to create an alibi. The key is to plan your non alibi in advance so that it can never be cracked.
FORENSICS
As even the dullest among you must surely know, forensic science has mushroomed in the last quarter of the 20th Century. The essence of forensic science and its first axiom is “whenever two objects meet, each leaves traces of its self on the other”. This means that you will leave traces of yourself at the crime scene and on the body and vice versa.
If you must be at the scene or touch the body, here are some useful hints to minimize the forensic evidence.
WEAR RUBBER GLOVES. Well, duh. Again, this is included simply to nullify the Knuckle Head Factor.
WEAR COMMON CLOTHES. Jeans, tee shirt sox and shoes from Wal-Mart. Cotton—no artificial fibers. Wash them several times before the crime so as to minimize the lint factor. (At a random wash-a-teria, not in your own laundry room.) Don’t wear them for anything before the actual murder and never afterward. SHOES SHOULD BE AT LEAST ONE SIZE TOO BIG. This will leave a false clue for the cops.
Don’t Get Any on You
Don’t Get Any on You
The first half of the forensic truism is that you will always take parts of the crime scene away with you. Cops have all kinds of tricky gadgets to detect TRACE EVIDENCE.
Diatoms, a basic and prolific form of algae can tell them if you have been near a particular body of water. There are over 16,000 species of these little rascals and they are particular to nearly every pond, creek, river, lake, ocean and sea in the world. They get on the body, in the lungs and all over your shoes and clothes. If you stash the body in your car, they will drip out of the mouth or clothing and tell the cops that you had the deceased in your trunk.
Living things will rat you out. Every tree, grass, weed, flower and vine puts off seeds and spores that can pin your location to a specific place.
Blood spatters all over everything and can tell the CSI if the killer is left or right handed. If it gets on you, you better have a good excuse. If you “tried to render aid” be sure the blood is in a TRANSFER PATTERN and not a SPATTER PATTERN.
Blood spatters all over everything and can tell the CSI if the killer is left or right handed. If it gets on you, you better have a good excuse. If you “tried to render aid” be sure the blood is in a TRANSFER PATTERN and not a SPATTER PATTERN.
Don’t Leave Any Thing Behind
Everything you leave behind is a clue. Cops have a data base full of shoe prints. They can determine the brand from a good print and, if the shoes have been worn for a while, they can trace anomalies such as wear or marks on the sole to a particular pair of shoes. Likewise, tires.
At all costs, avoid bleeding at the scene. Also, be sure the victim doesn’t scratch you and take a piece of your DNA under his or her fingernails.
Bullets are molded from scrap lead and each batch has its one particular set of trace impurities. If they have a bullet, they can trace it to the other 49 in the box you took it from. Dispose of the whole batch.
Fiber from your clothes, especially exotic or artificial fabrics, can be matched to the clothes you wore.
NO MATTER HOW CAREFUL YOU ARE, YOU WILL LEAVE SOMETHING BEHIND AND TAKE SOMETHING WITH YOU. FOLLOW THE RULES AND YOU WILL MINIMIZE THE EFFECT OF THESE UNAVOIDABLE MISTAKES.
POST MURDER BEHAVIOR
Rest assured, EVERYONE WILL BE WATCHING YOU! The frustrating part of proper post homicidal demeanor is that everyone will expect something different. Your wife’s sister, who never liked you anyway, will keep an eagle eye on you for tangible signs of grief. The gimlet eyed homicide detective, on the other hand, can spot phony tears in the time it takes to brush the powered sugar out of his moustache. Here are some obvious dos and don’ts:
DON’T CRY UNLESS YOU ARE VERY, VERY GOOD AT IT. This means you, Bubba! Did you cry when you cut your thumb off with the chain saw? When Old Yeller died? When they quit making Billy Beer? No, of course not. Well, don’t do it now. Everyone will spot you as a phony. And, it goes without saying, IF YOU MUST CRY, BE SURE THERE ARE TEARS. Dry eyed crying is, perhaps, the number one bane of the murderer. Susan Smith is on death row because she couldn’t produce a few lousy tears for the TV cameras.
DON’T APPLY FOR THE INSURANCE PROCEEDS FOR AT LEAST TWO WEEKS. One would think that this is obvious but…untold numbers of knuckle heads tromp down to the insurance office THE DAY AFTER and blithely fill out the forms. Homicide detectives and suspicious relatives pick up on this type of behavior.
PRACTICE TIP. Be sure you know the terms of the policy. Are you sure you are the beneficiary? Is it possible that it has expired? What are the conditions regarding suicide and double indemnity. Nothing is more tragic than going to all the trouble and risk of committing the perfect murder only to be disappointed by the pay off at the end. BUT, for God sake, don’t ask the agent! Find a copy and see for your self. DON’T BE A KNUCKLE HEAD!
DON’T CHANGE YOUR LIFE STYLE IN ANY MAJOR WAY . This includes buying a luxury sedan or $25,000 Harley; marrying your girlfriend and moving to Vegas. You MIGHT get away with one but certainly not all three.
DON’T DO ANYTHING GOOFY. Why do we include this? At least one white trash matron knuckle head is now waiting for her turn on the gurney solely because of goofy behavior. “What did she do,” you ask? She threw a Silly String party at the gravesite of her recently deceased children with her pumped up boobs braless and her ass hanging half out of her Daisy Dukes. (You can’t make this stuff up!). The jury didn’t even look at the ample and credible evidence of home invasion. The Silly String hanging from one of her jutting nose cones did her in.
DO NOT TALK TO THE COPS. You are already in the center of the web of suspicion. The cops cannot force you to talk to them under any circumstances. If you are not formally charged, they cannot even interview you without your consent. If you are charged, you have an absolute right to remain silent. Our Founding Fathers died for these rights and it would be UNAMERICAN not to invoke them.
HIRE A LAWYER. Contrary to popular belief, innocent people need lawyers worse than the guilty and the guilty need them badly. There is no stigma. The cops already think you did it, anyway.
GIVE THEM FINGER PRINTS AND A DNA SAMPLE. Why? Your right against self-incrimination does not extent to clues that may be on or even in your body. They will get a warrant and get them anyway. PRACTICE TIP- If there is any chance that your DNA or prints are at the crime scene, implement Plan B without fail. (See “Plan B” below.)
NEVER TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST. You can’t beat it because if you do, the cops will tell you that it was “inconclusive”.
REMEMBER, COPS LIE. Don’t trust ‘em. They are not your friend. Confession will not make it all better.
NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN. Remember. THERE IS NO STATUTE OF LIMITATION ON MURDER. Just because you have, apparently, gotten away with it for five, ten, fifteen years, you are never, never, never in the clear. DNA and other advanced forensic science has re-opened many cold cases and the witness that usually cause the perpetrator the most problem are the ones he blabbed or bragged to after he thought the heat was off. Loving wives can turn ugly. (And, yes, contrary to popular belief, they CAN testify against you!) Jilted girl friends are very dangerous. Confession may be good for the soul, but it will land the body in prison. KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT!
DISPOSE OF EVERYTHING. There should be a time line in your plan to properly dispose of all of the tools of murder. This includes the weapon, any clothing you wore, the tires on your vehicle (if you are dumb enough to use one.) The remnants left from the crime (the rest of the bullets in the batch, the roll of duct tape you used to gag the victim, the rest of the rope you used to tie her up, etc). THIS IS UBER IMPORTANTE—Spend as much time as you need so that all of these things can be dumped as quickly and efficiently as possible. There will be an entire chapter on “Shit Canning the Evidence”
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, TRY TO CLEAN UP THE CRIME SCENE. You will leave behind more clues than you will eliminate. You should spend as little time as possible at the murder scene. PLAN!! (As a side note here, by way of illustration and emphasis: This is why we recommend a revolver. If you use an automatic, you will either leave behind cartridge casings or, worse, all kinds of clues (foot prints in the blood, etc.) trying to police your brass.
NEVER RETURN to the scene of the crime. After having committed a brutal murder by beating the victim to death with a garden hoe, the murderer came back and stood in the crowd with the other lookie loos. A specially trained dog sniffed the hoe and went directly to the killer. He went directly to the gas chamber. True story.
NEVER CONFESS. We know that, on the Tee Vee when confronted with overwhelming evidence of guilt, the perp always confesses. IF THEY HAVE YOUR BOODY FINGER PRINTS ON THE MURDER WEAPON IN THE VICTIM’S BLOOD, A CHEVROLET FULL OF NUNS AS WITNESSES AND THE WHOLE THING ON VIDEO TAPE, ENVOKE YOUR RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. Confession will not be of any benefit to you and it will certainly annoy your lawyer and run up your defense costs.
LYING TO THE COPS
If you talk to the cops, of course, you will have to lie. The first rule of lying is DON’T IF YOU DON’T HAVE TO. If you can reasonably avoid talking to them, do it.
The second rule of lying is to get it straight before hand. Picture it in your mind. Give it sub text. What color was the tree? How often did the cock crow? BUT don’t blurt out the details as if rehearsed!!! Live it fully and repeatedly before you tell it. Many a perfect crime is ruined by an ill conceived, impromptu lie. If you tell it to yourself often enough, you will believe it. The best lie is told by a liar who doesn’t know he is lying. We call this the George Castanza Technique.
Finally, and just as importantly, keep the lie simple and as close to the truth as possible.
If you have to tell it, tell it once and no more. The cops love to ask you the same questions over and over until you become inconsistent which you will even if you are telling the truth.
It may be helpful for you to find a copy of “Lying for Dummies” which is now out by the same authors.
THE BLUBBERING 911 CALL
This is an easy rule to remember. By all means DON’T. You are not that good an actor and it sounds ridiculous when they play it to the jury and on the true crime shows. Let someone else find the body. (PRACTICE TIP—the number one suspect is ALWAYS the first person on the scene.)
PLAN B
If you don’t have a Plan B, you don’t have a plan. Have as much CASH squirreled away as you can. All Plan Bs require cash.
Our favorite Plan B is a run for the border. Find out which countries do not extradite to the US
A TEACHABLE MOMENT
Here is a teachable moment about The Jesus Factor, Plan B and what we have learned so far. A Vegas matron, using good common sense and doing her best to follow the tips set out herein, offed her asshole husband WITH HIS OWN GUN WHICH WAS EQUIPPED WITH A LEGAL SILENCER. (Silencers are illegal in most states but not Nevada Lake Mead . She was scott free until THREE YEARS LATER, when some amateur SCUBA diver found it and turned it over to the cops. They immediately traced it to the crime and her because THE SILENCER was registered with the State of Nevada
Can we spot the flaws in her plan?
First- when you can go out your front door and buy a cold piece off the neighbor kid, at any swap meet, garage sale or gun show, why would you ever consider using a duly registered (to your own husband) firearm? Knuckle head!
Second- Improper disposal of the murder weapon. Nevada
Third- She had no reason to tell an elaborate and demonstrably false lie. All she really had to tell the cops, when questioned about the gun, is (remember these words) I DON”T KNOW. Knuckle head!!! Every unnecessary lie is a time bomb waiting to go off in some cold case file moldering on the desk of some burned out homicide cop 3 weeks from retirement.
Fourth- Her ultimate “Knuckle head” is that she had planned the crime with her boy friend!!!! The cops still could not have made a case against either of them except for the fact that, gutless knuckle head that he was, when confronted by all of this evidence, HE CONFESSED AND ROLLED ON HER TO SAVE HIS OWN ASS FROM THE GAS CHAMBER.
This story does have a happy ending. Our murderess had a Plan B. She had gobs of hubby’s cash, gold and silver and a convertible waiting in a storage unit in Reno Dubai
FAKING ACCIDENTAL DEATH
There are a myriad of accidental ways to die. One can drown, fall from a high place, crash into a bridge abutment, set ones self on fire by smoking in bed, eat an improperly prepared blow fish, just to name a few.
Drowning
“Accidental” drowning is the one stop shop of murder. In one fell swoop you cause the demise of your subject, and dispose of the body and all of the murder paraphernalia as well.
The world is 3/4ths water. Most of it is remote and filled with corrosive salt and omnivorous sea creatures. What better place to dispose of an inconvenient friend or relative?
An almost fool proof method is the Cruise Ship Caper. It is genius for simplicity. You book a cruise with the subject. You get them drunk on cheap well drinks and champagne in the casino. You push them over the rail. What could possibly go wrong? And here are some extra added bonuses.
The initial investigation will be by the cruise line’s rent-a-cop security force who will corrupt the crime scene and have every incentive to make it look like an unfortunate accident. Murder is bad for cruise line business. Accidents happen every day. With a little forethought, you will make sure that the next stop is, say, a tiny seaside village in Guacamolia, where the local gendarmes consist of a fat constable and his fatter wife who answers the telephone while he collects the protection money from the local merchants. They will, for a fee paid by the cruise line, rubberstamp their findings and send you on your way. By the time the FBI gets on board, the forensics are worthless, the witnesses are scattered and interest has waned.
Here are a few minor possible problems to worry about. First, be sure that there are no signs of resistance on either you or the body. No bruises or skin under the fingernails, for example. In all probability, the body will float around for a few days until the crabs and sea scavengers have stripped it and the bones sink into 100 fathoms of briny deep. BUT, with The Jesus Factor in play, it may be found the next day in the trawler net of the Deputy Director of the FBI’s cousin. Consequently, it must be clue free.
Second, get the first class cabin with the private balcony. Drunks fall off of them with monotonous regularity and it is more private.
Third, be sure you haven’t threatened the subject in the last year or so. This may be hard for most married couples who, after the honey moon, usually grow to openly despise each other.
Finally, it is best if both you and the victim are ordinary looking. For some reason, pretty people get more publicity. Nancy Grace almost never carps on the murder of an ugly person by another ugly person. Use the gifts that God gave you.
PRACTICE TIP- Don’t use the Cruise Ship Caper in the Bahamas Bahamas ” is just a corruption of Spanish “Bahia Mar” which means “shallow sea.” The water around the Bahamas Caribbean or the Pacific are really the best.
Falls
Unless there are extra-ordinary circumstances, we don’t recommend falls from a high place. Contrary to popular belief, people don’t blithely step backward off the overlook during a photo op. People hate heights and are very cautious around them. Cops know this and if your aunt Millie falls to her death from a high promontory while you are taking her picture, their first thought is foul play and their first and, by definition, only suspect is YOU.
They will get you. First, Aunt Millie, 97 or not, ain’t going over that rail without a struggle. This will leave scratch marks on you and your DNA under her fingernails. Second, the only reason to knock off Aunt Millie is a will or a life insurance policy. Even Barney Fife can uncover these. Third, The fall may not kill her. Then you are really in a pickle. Are you going to climb down there and finish the job??
Falls from high places should be reserved for special people: mountain climbers and sky divers, for example. People who have put themselves in harm’s way on purpose. Nobody really cares if they foolishly off themselves, anyway.
Auto Accident
Oh, come on. That’s only in the movies. Deflated tires? Cut brake line? These are so easily detectable as to make the auto “accident” nearly worthless as a vehicle for murder.
Fires
Like water, fire covers many sins. But it is not a cure all. It is important that if your accidental death is by fire that the victim actually dies in the fire. If death is by other means and the body is then subject to a house or car fire, the lack of smoke in the lungs will make this fact obvious to any arson investigator. (BTW, this is equally true of drowning. There must be water in the lungs and it must be the same water the deceased drown in. You can’t put her head under in the pool and then chuck the body in the ocean. Autopsy will reveal the difference between fresh and salt water. Even fresh water can be a problem. Remember, each body of water has little microbes called diatoms which differ from pond to pond. See “Don’t Get Any On You” above.)
Also, remember that the average house fire without accelerants burns at about 1100 degrees Fahrenheit for approximately an hour. It takes 2000 degrees for 2 hours to fully cremate a body. Also, mitochondrial DNA can be extracted from cremation bone fragments. Drugs and alcohol content can and will be detected in the blood stream. Keep it real. Also, blunt force cranial trauma (bonks on the head) must be consistent with death in a fire. If you whack your subject with, say, an ax handle or fire place poker, the ME will know that there was foul play. These are important facts to know when planning your “accidental” fire death.
Finally, remember that the competent arson investigator will know where the fire started and whether there were accelerants (gasoline, lighter fluid, etc.) were used.
The best “accidental” fire is to get the victim drunk and fake a “smoking in bed” fire. But, be sure the victim smokes and drinks. This is usually not for aunt Millie but perfect for cousin Bubba. Also, as a practice tip, Everclear and moonshine are nearly 100% alcohol and burn like young love leaving almost no residue. They are consistent with the “drunk smoking in bed” scenario. You can purchase either at any convenience store in Louisiana
DISPOSING OF THE BODY
Unless you are faking suicide, an accident or claiming self defense, body disposal is critical. Clearly, we favor dumping the body, properly weighted, into 100 fathoms of salt water. Here are a few tips:
Remember, the body will bloat up as interior rot causes gases to form and expand. This will have a tendency to cause an improperly weighted body to rise to the surface. Additionally, if the anchors are not properly affixed, pieces will be torn loose. It only takes a minute speck of the body to stand as proof of death. It is best to wrap the body from head to toe with heavy chain. Also, extremely effective and moderately priced weights can be fashioned from a few dollars worth of Sacrete and gallon pork and beans cans. Attach them, evenly, spread out, to the chain. PRACTICE TIP: Shoot holes in the body to avoid the bloating. A 12 gauge shotgun with triple ought buck is very effective. Take care to dispose of the shells properly.
Be very careful to research both current and tides. (NOT ON YOUR COMPUTER. TIDE TABLES AND CURRENTS ARE PUBLISHED IN LOCAL PAPERS.) Ideally, if the body or parts of it does float up, you will want it to float out to sea as opposed to up on some crowded beach somewhere. BEWARE OF THE JESUS FACTOR!!
Remove all clothing, jewelry and extract the teeth. Dispose of them separately. Don’t worry about finger prints. If they find enough to get prints, they can identify the body by DNA. Old timers like to cut off the head and hands but, in the age of DNA, this only creates a separate disposal problem and doubles your chances of screwing up. Remember—KISS!
Cremation has been discussed, supra. If you do select cremation, be sure to dispose of the ashes by spreading them over a deserted area of a large body of water.
If you do not have access to an ocean, sea, gulf or at least one of the Great Lakes , burial is the best option. DO NOT NEGLECT THE 4 PS. Improperly buried bodies are one of the biggest screw ups you can make. DO NOT just dump the body by the side of the road or bury it in a shallow grave a couple hundred yards off the shoulder. Take a little extra time and DO IT RIGHT!
Drag the body as far into the boonies as possible. Sporting goods stores sell all kinds of contraptions for hauling game animals out of the woods. A golf bag cart will do in a pinch. Don’t forget the good old fashioned wheel barrow. You can make a travois if you have any out door skills at all.
Try to restore the ground to the condition it was in before the burial. Tamp the loose soil down. A few well placed boulders are a nice touch. Plant a sapling or two.
The grave should be AT LEAST six feet deep. Any shallower and some animal will dig it up, tear it apart and scatter the pieces all over the place. Aside from ruining some camper’s weekend, this is the first step in following the clues BACK TO YOU.
NEVER USE A WOOD CHIPPER!! As appealing as this may sound, there are no style points awarded for body disposal. The only possible exception to this is if you already own and regularly use one AND you intend to feed the remains to pigs. Still, this is not recommended. Especially for amateurs. Besides, there is research being done right now on extraction DNA from improperly digested body parts found in pig dung. (You can’t make this stuff up!)
DUCT TAPE
Yes, duct tape. That ubiquitously handy item that serves every human need from patching bullet holes in fighter jets to affixing a pressure bandage to a sucking chest wound. Duct tape is surpassed only by Velcro and synthetic opiates as the greatest invention to come from the space program. Everyone we know carries a roll in the back of their pickup and has another in the icky-odd drawer. How did we ever get by without it? How did our fore-fathers cross the frontier or win two world wars without duct tape?
Duct tape is used in murder plots almost as often as guns, knives and baseball bats. It can bind the victim to a chair or keep her from screaming and thus attracting unwelcome attention. It makes a great blind fold. Just one little thing:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES US
Duct tape is as bad as fingerprints, DNA , tool marks and ballistics combined. And it is the ultimate clue magnet. Here is (as Jimmy Buffet would say) a semi-true story. This is a cautionary tale about the use of accomplices, the Jesus Factor and duct tape.
Two guys decided to off their boss in a particularly horrible way. They knocked him out, swathed him, head to toe, in duct tape and threw him, still very much alive, off a bridge with a 20 pound weight tied to his feet. A few days later, the body floated up. The cops were clueless.
A good Samaritan, who just happened to be walking by the river a few days later, found a piece of duct tape floating in the back wash of a small eddy. This being a mere village in which murder was rare and this one well publicized, the Samaritan took the duct tape to the police who, in turn, found ONE HAIR stuck to it. Of course, the root ball of the hair was intact and the DNA matched to one of the perps. The cops then got a search warrant and found several rolls of duct tape in the perp's garage. It was a simple matter to match the garage duct tape to the murdered guy's duct tape. The perp rolled on the other perp and they both got life without parole.
Forensic scientists can match one piece of duct tape to the roll and to other pieces of duct tape by microscopy just like ballistics can match bullets to a gun. Also, the chemical signature of the glue can be matched by use of a gizmo the name of which is really long and cool to say but we forget it at the moment*. The point is, the use of duct tape is never a good idea.
PRACTICE TIP. All of the above, more or less, applies to all kinds of tape and, actually, rope and cords as well but we don't think it is useful to write an entire installment on those. If you need to bind someone, the best thing to use is those handy little zip ties that you can get in varying sizes at Lowe's or Home Depot.
Now, as long as we are telling duct tape stories, there is a great one about the time Willie Nelson got drunk and his wife duct taped him in to the bed sheet and beat the snot out of him with a broom. Willie allowed that she had always been a feisty and creative woman and there was no doubt he had it coming...but we digress...
*Actually, it is called a mass spectrometer/gas chromatographer and it is really cool to say at cocktail parties if you can figure out how to work it into the conversation.
FAKING SUICIDE
Faking suicide is much more difficult than you might think. First rule—know your victim. Has she made plans to go on her dream vacation to the Galapagos or adopt a Rumanian orphan? If so, she is not a good candidate for suicide. Unlike most of the rest of us, her life is still filled with meaning and hope.
Second rule—pick the appropriate method. Women slit their wrists or overdose on soporifics. Men shoot themselves. If a woman does shoot herself, it is almost always in the heart, not the head. For men, the three most likely places for a fatal suicide shot is the temple, mouth or under the chin.
Jumping and hanging are a distant third and fourth for obvious reasons. THEY ARE ICKY SCARY. PRACTICE TIP—jumpers always remove their glasses so as to avoid the sight of the ground rushing up at them.
DEFENSES
We hesitate to even broach this subject because it assumes that you have been caught. NOT BEING CAUGHT IS THE BEST DEFENSE!!!
Ok, The Jesus Factor got you and you and your lawyer are looking for a way out. There aren’t many.
Insanity
Get real. In the history of juris prudence, the insanity defense has worked only a hand full of times. And this would be in some woo woo liberal place like San Francisco
Recently, in Texas WESTERN OR SOUTHERN STATE!! In fact, don’t bother with trial. Just jump bail or break jail and MAKE A RUN FOR THE BORDER!
Self Defense
Rules of thumb: Works every time for pretty women who kill men; never works for men who kill women. White people can claim it against Blacks and Latinos but, of course, not vice versa. Likewise, Rich on poor. You better have some trauma—scratches, at least. Gashes, severe bruises, even a gun shot wound or two. PRACTICE TIP. Always carry two guns. One for your self and one for the guy you shot in case it turns out he didn’t have one. PRACTICE TIP. Buy it at a swap meet. Try to find one that looks like it might have a couple of bodies on it; filed off serial number, tape around the handle for example. BEFORE HAND, wipe the “throw down” completely free of prints, including the internal parts, clip AND bullets. There after, keep it in a baggy. Get the other guy’s prints on it. (It isn’t possible for him to threaten you with a print-less gun.) It is a nice touch if you put it in his hands and fire a shot through an open window so that he will have GSR. Do it with a two handed grip because you don’t know if he is right or left handed. Why an open window? Because a good homicide detective will back track the trajectory of the bullet and it won’t wash if he is lying down when the shot is fired. And, this is VERY important, Be sure not to get any blood on the BOTTOM of the gun as it lies on the floor. On top is ok. He will not have bled enough or quick enough for there to be blood under the weapon.
Diminished Capacity
Akin to insanity, this is not really a defense but, rather, a nullification of part of the State’s case. If the jury believes that you acted in the heat of passion or without forethought or intent, you might get the conviction reduced to second degree murder or even voluntary or involuntary manslaughter. Even negligent homicide is a possibility. Why is this important? In most states, first degree murder has a mandatory life without parole with a possibility of the death penalty. Second degree goes for 25 to life which means, with good behavior, you might be out in 15. Manslaughter can run as little as five years which is two and a half in reality. Negligent homicide is a misdemeanor which means you might get off with time serve.
Jury Nullification
It is not ethical for a defense lawyer to openly ask the jury to disregard the facts and just let you off for some particular reason BUT every lawyer tries for it if the stars are properly aligned. Here are the Stars: The Paramour Defense. We talked about this earlier. Most juries will have at least one guy on it that thinks it’s alright to shoot your wife and her boyfriend if you catch them in bed. Identify him. Play to him. At the very least, he’ll hang the jury. The Bastard Had It Coming, A/K/A The Public Service Homicide A/K/A Because He was an Asshole (referred to in Dallas
Lesser Included Offense
See Diminished Capacity and Jury Nullification above.
Run for the Border
Really, it always amazes us how many murders, caught read handed, slam dunk case against them, get out on bail and then wait around for trial! If they got you cold and even Clarence Darrow and Johnnie Cochran, resurrected, couldn’t get you off. And you got foisted off on some two year associate who throws up every time he goes to court, BEAT IT! It ain’t gonna get no better.
IMPORTANT PRACTICE TIP! You have a right to a jury trial. Insist on it. The judge can spot guilt a mile away. He presumes you to be guilty. Do not let some jake-leg lawyer talk you into a bench trial unless he has proof positive that the fix is in.
FAQ
Which states have the death penalty?
This varies from time to time and state to state. Here are some good rules of thumb. Red states have it. Blue states don’t. Western States have it. Eastern states don’t. Southern states have it. Northern states don’t. And, if you are rich and white, no states have it. And, a practice tip here, STAY OUT OF FLORIDA AND TEXAS. Next to football, execution is their favorite sport.
Can you get DNA from vomit?
Yes—one more good reason not to use a knife.
Is OK to confess to your priest?
Although there is a law in every state called the “priest penitent privilege”, this is a clear violation of Cardinal Rule 3. Even if it isn’t admissible in court, the information is handy for even the most slow-witted detective. If your priest rats you out, the spot light signs brightly and exclusively on you. If you can’t trust a priest with your children, what makes you think you can trust him with your darkest secret?
What about your shrink?
See the answer above. The doctor-patient privilege is limited and if your psychiatrist believes you are a future threat, he is obligated to warn possible future victims.
My lawyer?
See answers above. And, believe us, the last thing your lawyer wants to know is that you are guilty. It limits his defense strategy to the truth—the bane of all criminal defense lawyers everywhere.
Should I frame a fall guy?
The short answer is “no”. This violates the KISS rule. It adds a whole layer of complication to your plan. Also, you will have another person and his lawyer and investigators uncovering clues that my lead to your conviction. Framing a patsy is just on the Tee Vee, BUT, it will get you a twofer if revenge is your motive. Tread cautiously. The frame-up is not for first timers.
If I got away with murder once, should I follow the same game plan the next time?
The answer is an emphatic “NO”! A man can only lose his wife in a tragic skeet shooting accident once in a lifetime. Cops do not believe in coincidence or bad luck. Do it again and you run the real risk of going down for both murders. The general rule of thumb is one murder per lifetime. Don’t waste it.
Do identical twins have the same DNA and fingerprints?
Yes on the DNA. Identical twins are from the same nucleus of the same egg. Both their nuclear and mitochondrial DNA are the same. Fraternal twins, however, are conceived from separate eggs and may even have separate fathers so their nuclear DNA is different. Because they have the same mother, their mitochondrial DNA is the same.
No on the fingerprints. They are very similar but not identical. Contrary to myth, largely perpetuated by law enforcement, fingerprint identification is not an exact science and depends on the skill and judgment of the fingerprint expert. A sloppy fingerprint tech could mistake them for the same but they are not.
Couldn’t I learn all of this by watching the thousands of CSI spin offs and knock offs on the TV?
Of course but remember, we are dedicated professionals with years of experience. We can tell fact from fiction. For example:
FACT- There are no real life CSIs that used to be strippers with blonde hair and big boobs that show up at crime scenes in low cut tank tops. We researched this extensively.
FACT- you can’t get a DNA or fingerprint match by pushing a button on a computer which brings up the identification in a matter of seconds and displays the perp’s name, address, phone number, recent picture, current location and sexual preference on a 60 inch plasma screen.
FACT- nowhere, except possibly Beverly Hills
Isn’t the very fact that I am reading this book a clue that could get me convicted?
Of course, you nimrod. Even if you stole this manual from the back seat of your maid’s Uncle Carlos’ pickup who bought it at a swap meet in Piedras Negras, it will be traced to you. See “The Jesus Factor” above. Lay low. No murder for you—ten years!
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